There are two kinds of people in this world when it comes to home improvements: the handy types who roll up their sleeves and are prepared to take on any project, and those who call in the paid professionals. That first group? Empowered, self-confident. The latter? Not big fans of electrocution or flooding.

 

Us? We say go big or go home. Or go big enough that there may still potentially be a home to go back to. And we’ve got all the guidance you need right here.

 

Safety first. If you’re like three. Eye protection? We don’t need no stinkin’ eye protection. Eye patches are sexy and uni-sex. Imagine it: Wearing an eye patch would be like “Talk Like a Pirate Day” and Halloween in one—every day. And who needs ear plugs? Seriously? Think about the future money you’ll save not having to try to drown out noisy neighbors or snoring spouses. No hearing? No problem.

 

Timing is everything. When you do your project is as important as how you do it. Don’t make the mistake of waking up early to take advantage of as much sunlight as possible. It’s far more practical to start work in the middle of the day. You know, right when the sun is highest in the sky and the temperature is equator degrees. If you plan properly, you can make sure that work on the kitchen coincides with the exact time that family members expect to eat a meal of some kind. You’re not a short order cook, right? You’re a home-repairing god. They can wipe the sawdust off the counters and make their own darn sandwiches. Besides, sawdust is fiber and we all know how important fiber is to your diet.

 

The right tools for the job. You know you’ve got something to fix or improve. It’s time to head to your friendly big box home repair store. Roam the aisles aimlessly. Feel at one with the doodads and thingamabobs. Throw stuff willy-nilly into your cart. You’re inspired! You’re creative! You’re resourceful! Eyeball the length of that shower curtain rod. It looks about right. Right? If you’re the more mathematical type, hold your hands out in front of you about shoulder length apart. Look at the curtain rod. Look at your hands. Look at the curtain rod. Adjust the distance between your hands accordingly. Now you’re talking! Don’t forget that area rug you were scouting. Not sure if it’s long enough for the area you want to cover? Do your best “I swear I’m sober, Officer” walk, heel to toe, the length of the carpet. Perfect.

 

Before you head to the checkout line, make sure you stop by the rental equipment area. You no doubt need that thingy that makes the loud noises and puts holes in stuff. No clue how to operate it? No problem. After all, what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen with a big loud machine that puts holes in stuff? You wouldn’t want to find yourself in the middle of a project and missing an essential piece of equipment.

 

The right team for the job. Assemble your work crew. This isn’t the time to think about the people you know who actually have any experience with plumbing, electricity, or carpentry. They’ll just give their stupid opinions based on facts and professional experience and science and what not. You don’t want someone else’s opinions. You want brute strength and someone who’s as handy-challenged as you are so you don’t feel insecure. Bonus points if they’re prone to providing free labor in exchange for pizza and beer. And holding their hands on their hips staring at a problem willing it to fix itself.

 

Get to work! You’ve got your motley crew. You’ve got your doodads and thingamabobs. Did you forget to pick up a stud finder or level? Or to identify which walls are load bearing? No worries. It’s a freaking house. It’s built to stand, right? Grab that big loud machine rental and go to town. You’ve got this!